Royals by Lorde - a Critique

I was asked to write a critique on a subject in music for the online magazine Don't Panic! with an emphasis on "bratty" opinion. The final copy did not make publication, but I think it is a good example of critical and rhetorical analysis--with a very sarcastic tone:

I usually refrain from criticizing anyone too young to have a Mickey’s with their Doritos, let alone a 17-year-old GRAMMY nominee. However, the singer of this year’s “Somebody That I Used to Know”—annoyingly titled “Royals”—is doing a fantastic job of reinforcing the narcissism that now plagues, well, everything.  

The song itself aims to oppose all things luxe by dismissing expensive indulgences, and maybe it succeeds, but does so with a pretentious hair-flip and a shoulder-brush. This coupled with its obliviously contradictory nature makes Lorde’s highly lauded hipster anthem cause of more head aching than head nodding.

It must be quite difficult to truly dislike luxury items. Jet planes serve an irreplaceable function that most people, poor or privileged, benefit from. If anyone has ridden in a Maybach (I have not), I’m sure they could attest to the comfort and agreeable circumstances afforded by such a vehicle. Islands are vacation destinations for millions of people, not only the wealthy. So is Lorde displeased with the immaculate scenery and near-perfect climate? I can’t imagine so. Maybe she finds the tourist masses (and massive tourists) unbearable, which many do. But isn’t that why purchasing an island would be advisable? The list goes on but of course this disdain for extravagant accommodations cannot be the real reason for her bickering.

The truth of the matter is, “Royals” is not concerned with disproving the face value of luxury possessions, but rather criticizing the narcissistic egos that these items engorge. It’s not the grey goose and diamonds that make you a douche, it’s the fact that you let these things define your persona and self-worth that makes you a douche—though gold teeth might make you a douche regardless.  It’s the blatant narcissism in trying to prove yourself and gain recognition through possessions and aesthetics that details the real issue concerning the song. This is exactly why “Royals” is unbearably hypocritical and contradictory, a theme too often present in music today (I’m looking at you Kanye).

If narcissism is the root of the issue, shouldn’t the ironically monikered Lorde be more attentive to the nature of her profession? Performance by nature is at least somewhat narcissistic, isn’t it? She’s composed her opinions, performs them for all that will listen, and wants recognition and validation. Maybe that’s a bit over the top, and maybe we’re all guilty of this to a degree, but I don’t buy this whole I’m-not-interested-in-fame spiel. If she wasn’t looking for recognition, and didn’t think her ideas were important for people to hear, then she wouldn’t be performing them for millions of listeners. It’s been referenced that she was swept up by the unyielding wave of fame, but it’s not like she wasn’t already in the water kicking her legs. “Royals” simply disguises narcissism by using popular opposition as its Trojan horse, a prevalent trend in recent years. It is as common these days to be adamantly opposed to all things fame and fortune as it is to be obsessed with their attainment. The underlying issue beneath the diamonds and gold teeth are the exact same as those beneath the thrift shop jewelry and ragamuffin hairdos. The smug nature of “Royals” and much of the annoyingly complacent pseudo-hipster community relies as much on self-satisfaction as does that of the posh and famous.

In principle, seeking recognition for “not caring” about wealth is identical to doing so in favor of it. We all have opinions, they almost always differ, we all want people to hear them, and we all think they are important. And sometimes we write a blog about them.  But who’s to say what the right way to live is? Isn’t being loud about wealth equally valuable as being loud about indifference? In the end, aren’t we all just yelling at each other? Regardless, it’s difficult to criticize her commercial success and, come January, Lorde can rest her scrawny arm and let the GRAMMY academy resume the proverbial back-patting.

Writing Blurb for Don't Panic! Online

I was asked to submit a short blurb on a current but unique topic for the online magazine Don't Panic! Final edits were not done by me personally.

Last Saturday, to celebrate the release of their latest album “Christmas Songs”, Los Angeles punk veterans Bad Religion offered to make a 50 cent donation to a local Food Bank for every visit their website received. The lack of effort required to help the poor was commendable, and the clicks began to roll in. Right up until those circle-jerking betas over at Reddit got their sticky fingers all over the link.

Between discussions over child abuse and being in the Friendzone, one user found time to post the link. Thousands of upvotes later, BadReligion.com found itself totally fucked by Reddit’s otherwise virginal hard-on. The website promptly crashed, preventing any further visits and potential donations. Users righteously bragged that Bad Religion didn't 'know what Reddit is capable of', an odd statement, seeing as events like the Boston bombing proved that they're only capable of being completely retarded. The website was revived shortly thereafter, but this incident raises a peculiar question, if even the internet fails us, what is the most efficient way to give back this Christmas?

First, lets congratulate the over-zealous and laughably predictable internet community (myself included, admittedly) for simultaneously crippling the band’s charitable efforts and emptying stomachs of the poor. In light of these actions, let's consider an equally excitable alternative: getting shit-faced drunk. 

Do you know that Heineken donate over 1% of all profits to charitable partners (over $29 million in 2012)? Immune to the inevitable digital battering, drinking beer in the name of charity does not fall victim to its own success, as have the efforts of Bad Religion. What's more, the more beer you drink, the more likely you are to continue reaching into those deep pockets of yours. So get off Reddit and go boozing with some friends. It might help more than just your social life.

ps. Dear Heineken, pls give us free booze for this festive plug. Thanks

Link to full article